Yesterday's post calls for some explanation, and I may have calmed down enough to provide it.
I don't really hate the fucking world. That's a line from Hair
. I actually kind of like the world. What I hate is people. Of course I don't mean all
people, but I'm not really talking about anyone specific. The world isn't fucking us over, we do that to each other. The more of us there are, the more fucked up things get.
Like you're in a room with one person. Any person. Pick a person you hate, if you want, and you're alone in a room with them. And you look at that person and you can see something to love. Even if you hate them, you can find a bit of yourself in them. Once you know what motivates them, what they want, what they love, you can't help it. But you're in a room with fifty people, and even if you like and admire them all, you can't connect to any of them and they become objects to be manipulated and THAT is why the world is so fucked up!
I'm not really making any sense. I know I'm not. Let me take a few steps back and try again. You ever notice how it doesn't matter what you look like when all the lights are off?
I was feeling fat yesterday. Don't start, I know I'm not fat. At least I'm not the kind of fat that people talk about on diet commercials. I could probably lose ten or fifteen pounds without being accused of anorexia (except by my mother, who is convinced that I have every psychological problem in the books). That's not what this is about. The point is, that started me thinking. You know how when you're a kid you have this idea of what you're going to be like in college? You think, oh I'm going to be perfect (which I'm not) and look like a model (which I don't) and most of all, I'm going to be a grown up. And I'm not. I know everyone feels like this when they're nineteen, but I still have the same soul I did when I was six, and I guess I thought that would die before I got here and be replaced by something more age-appropriate.
Well FUCK THAT. I don't wanna grow up. I'm a toys R us kid.
Question: Do crazy people know they're crazy
When you've grown up, do you know it?
All right, here it is. I hate the fucking world. I fucking hate it. It takes perfectly good, wonderful people and puts them through systems that fucking destroy them and break them. It breaks everyone. Doesn't matter how good you are, how strong you are, how beautiful you are. And you are. You're fucking beautiful and don't let anyone tell you different. And when the world breaks you down and what's left of you is ruined and dead, you'll still be beautiful. Never forget that.
Ah...topless dancing...is there no end to the wonder.
I have just been enjoying Jeff's radio show, and have entered the brief interlude wherein he does homework and I'm bored. DAYQUIL IS MY GOD!
It's been brought to my attention that I am an uncultured swine. Who do we have to thank for this, Kellie? No, seriously, why haven't I seen Office Space before today? It's not like I didn't know about it. Why haven't I seen Dumb and Dumber? What have I been doing for the past nineteen years, alone in the cave where I was clearly brought up?
Blah, blah, I need money. I need money so I can go to St. Louis with my KDX's and go see the arch for the 4 billionth time, and then I can go to Minnesota (where the children gamble free!) with Jeff's Taus and squander my wealth on slots and other "waste-your-money-machines," as I called them when I was, oh, six. I was smart when I was six. What the hell happened to me since then?
Guess what? I passed geology! Isn't that weird? I like my acting class a lot better, but that will come as no surprise to almost anyone who knows me. We're going to start working on monologues for our midterm "exam." Mine is some woman (whose character I haven't explored yet) ranting about the president (Reagan).
Just waiting for 24 to be over so I can watch the rest of Red Dragon. I respect the quality of 24, and I will admit that it is probably one of the best shows of its kind on TV right now, but it's really not my thing. But then, it's not really the kind of thing you can start watching in the middle. You have to be pretty devoted to a show like 24, stick with it every week, whatever. All right, I'm going to stop paying homage. Jeff, you're sitting right here, you can see I'm not watching. (He's really into the show. I'm more interested in watching Jeff's reaction than the show he's reacting to.
WaHa! Spring stupid Break is over! Long live me! and Jeff! and me-and-Jeff!
Jeff is making radiohead CD's and then we can watch Hannibal. How fucking scary is that movie!