Kat Scratching

My irresistible Kat-ness.
Friday, March 28, 2003
Went through some of last year's writing today. Found the following gem:

"Today you sit in front of me for once, and I'll pretend you don't exist. I'll just sit there and actually do my work like I care about it, and pretend I don't see you and I don't hear you. And you'll sit there, unaware of my pretense, your head tipped to one side. You'll shift in your seat every few minutes, making my eyes dart upwards in alarm each time, because I'm both afraid of you and afraid for you and I don't know why.

"And you'll be productive while I pretend to be, and at the end of the day you'll be cheerful and I'll be depressed, and you won't notice and I won't care. Because I am feeding you carefully choreographed lies. I never say anything untrue, and yet I stand here blatantly lying with every breath, every movement, and every turn of my head in a false direction, and I am a better liar than you could ever imagine.

"You sit in front of me and I won't have to see your face, and I won't know what you're thinking. And that makes me feel awkward and disconnected, but it's better than that guilty, worthless feeling I get from looking at you and knowing I have no real purpose in your life.

"And maybe you'll look at me, really look at me for once, and you'll see past the lies I've conditioned my face and my body to tell you, and you'll see the truth. Or maybe you'll remain ignorant, and believe my lies, and never doubt that I meant exactly what I'm communicating. And maybe that's what I really mean when I say I trust you. I trust you not to know, not to understand. I turst that you'll never figure anything out unless I tell it to you, so I feel safe with you. Maybe trust doesn't mean a damn thing, it's just comfort in ignorance.

"I won't say a word to you today, not unless you speak to me first, because I'm too tired to make the effort for you. I am exhausted from pouring my soul into a one-sided fellowship, where I am more an accessory than a friend."

Meh. *misses boyfriend* Tschaus

Thursday, March 27, 2003
This is so stupid. Why should I have spring break at a time when no one else has it? I think a law should be passed stating that all persons who wish to partake of spring break must begin said break within a prearranged time lasting not more than two days. Yeah. That'd be good.
So right now I'm kind of sitting around my house, alone. I wish I was back at school. At least there's something to do there. If I were at school, I'd be hanging out with awesome people like my KDX sisters and my boyfriend.
Blah, blah, I'm so bored of this. More later.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003
I just read something that kind of upset me...not a big deal or anything, but it made me think. And we all know what happens when I start thinking. So I'm going to go lay down for awhile. But Jeff said I had to post something first, so I did. So there you go.


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