Kat Scratching

My irresistible Kat-ness.
Monday, April 29, 2002
Excerpts from my real journal, because I haven't been posting.

March 1: I came to school today with a feeling that can onl be described as "I better act now because time is short" It's frustrating because I want to take action but I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

March 6: "On the contrary, he has been a true and loyal ally. If anyone has betrayed this friendship, it was you. The moment you asked him to lie."
Normal people don't have panic attacks like this do they?? I can't breathe. I feel like I'm being stabbed. Or strangled. Probably both. I'm so tired I think I might collapse.

March 18: Now is my chance to really prove to myself that I'm strong....When I'm good enough for myself, I'll feel good enough for someone else. Until then, I'll try to be happy knowing that I'm strong. And I'll stay strong because if I weaken, my life will be over.

March 25: Today, being me became OK again. I realized, with a lot of help, that the failure that's been plaguing me isn't my failure at all. It's just one of those things that can't be helped....For the people who mean the most to you, you'll give up anything. I've given up my life into the hands of those who want to keep it.

April 3: I'm so much in love. It supercedes anything else I might be feeling. Today love is pleasant. It makes me want to dance, laugh, be giddy. But most days love is a tragedy against which I have no defenses....Everything will be all right if I can just stay strong. I must be strong. I will sacrifice my own happiness for the next 5 months to keep him safe, and then I will turn away and walk out of his life forever.
That's a lie. I'd sooner cut out my own heart than cut the one I love out of my life.


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