Today is one of those days.
I need to be held. Protected, maybe. I feel so fucking young right now, and like I'm expected to suddenly have this power that I don't have, and everyone else has it and I'm just kind of faking my way along, and at any moment I'll be found out. Someone will say "hey! Kat's still seven!" and I'll be sent back to that world. At least I'll have my mommy to make me a sandwich.
I guess maybe as time goes on, you get more and more disillusioned. All the childish wonder you found in the simple things fades away, and you become jaded by years of heartbreak and too many winters. And to be honest, I don't know what you're supposed to do about that. I just know that it happens to everyone, and you have to find something to love.
In the meantime, I don't know what I'm going to do about my current state of negativity. Probably nothing. Probably I'll just lay around here indulging in simple pleasures until it passes.
The fact that it's Friday means that I'll probably have a chance to sort out some of the things that have been bothering me. Hopefully, I can also help Jeff sort out some of the things that have been bothering him. And if I really play my cards right, I can get good and trashed tonight.
Okay, I'm out like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.
HEAR YE HEAR YE.
In celebrating one month with Jeff, it is my intention to play video games for several hours. Whilst consuming moderate quantities of alcohol. And hopefully, I'll have a chance to watch Sgt. Bilko. Finish watching. Whatever.
Today Justin is nineteen. There's really nothing special about nineteen, except that it's one step closer to 21. Not that Justin will probably get drunk, but there's other things you can do for the first time when you're 21. I'll let you know if I think of any. Can you run for senate? Or is that 25?
Well anyways, happy birthday Justn. We're sure glad you were born.
You know who I haven't talked to in awhile? Justin. I don't know why I'm thinking of that. Maybe cause it's his birthday tomorrow. You reading this, Justn?
I was thinking how after high school no one hangs onto their old friends, except for a special few. I hope Justin and I don't lose track of each other completely.
Well anyway, happy birthday Justin. Tomorrow happens to also be one month since I've been dating Jeff. Coincidence? Actually that probably is a coincidence. Well, whatever.
It's like everywhere I go today, I see Adam. Weird.
I get to work with Eric for my scene, which I love cause I like working with guys much more than with girls. I did my monologue today and it went alright. Better than I expected. but not as well as I'd hoped. Most things are like that, though.
You know how sometimes you know something is going to depress you, but you have to do it anyway out of morbid curiosity? I think that's what inspires most people to watch the movie My Girl when they're ten. Anyway, I keep going to this website that puts me in a kind of negative mood. It always affects me like this, and yet I keep going there. What the fuck, man.
I want to play Zelda today. D'you think Jeff will have time to help me start a game? We'll see...
Well, I'm just back from numbers draw. (That's where we draw numbers to see what order we get to pick rooms for next year.) I drew 208. That SUCKS. FUCK ME AND MY 208!
Hopefully Jeff will have better luck (he's there now). But luck has not been our friend today. First my number was high, and now it seems all the electronic stores are sold out of GameBoy Advance SP. I mean, I wasn't going to buy one, but Jeff was, and I think they look pretty cool, and I probly would have been allowed to play Mario Kart on it.
And there's no pizza tonight (Paul Revere's still being closed) and I'm tired of Ratt, and I have to perform my monologue in just 2 hours. Which has nothing to do with anything, except that I found out about it today.
Last night we watched Being John Malkovich, which was FUCKED UP. I'm not saying it's not a good movie, because I know it is, but I don't think I liked it very much. I was expecting a comedy, and it's really not.
Oh, and here's some more good news. I'm not going to St. Louis after all. Instead, we're going to watch chocolate get made at a factory. Kathryn Beich anyone? And Jeff's formal is the same weekend as mine, which means I can't go to that unless I skip mine. Of course, if we're going to a chocolate factory I just might be able to pass it up.
Oh and here's something rich. Jason was just before me at numbers draw. He drew a seven.
I dont know...
I'm in a weird mood. It's not bad by any means, but it's definitely unusual. The things I feel compelled to do right now are far from my normal pastimes. I may use this Pilot pen to sketch designs up and down my arm.
I don't think anything really happened to set this off, either. I want to finish watching the Royal Tenenbaums, but I want to wait for Jeff before I do that. Plus I want to watch another movie tonight. I want I want I want...me me me...mine mine mine...
I stepped on a mine.
See, I told you I was in a weird mood!
Okay. I have to read a lot of Jeff's movie-books, so I'm going to go work on that. Or maybe I'll wall jump into oblivion. WHEEEEEEEEE! CAFFEINE HIGH!
Well, that worked well. Music always puts me in a better mood.
You know what? Paul Revere's is closed until further notice! How much does that suck!
Jeff just walked on out of here, and I have no idea where he went. Most perplexing. Well, anyway, he got me to join this club where I can get 7 DVD's for something like $30...really good deal. Plus, since he got a friend to join, he gets two FREE DVD's! THIS IS A GOOD CLUB.
Oh, he's back. Well, I should memorize my monologue. But I'm actually going to play Mario, I think.
Last night I saw Back to the Future. I can't decide if I like it or not. I mean talk about contrived! I guess it's harder for me to appreciate cause I didn't grow up on it like some people. Do I sound distracted? I am. I am really not doing well today, for the first time in a really long time. I'm going to go see if the choir concert can calm me down.